Anne is an author, speaker, professional counselor, marriage and family therapist and veteran coaches wife. She and her husband Tim have two children and they have been a coaching family through a state championship run and very difficult losing seasons. They are passionate about encouraging coaching families both in and out of season.
Let’s talk about therapy. Because I’m a therapist. And a coach’s wife. And, this might be just what you need. I am super happy to report that mental and emotional healthcare has lost some of its stigma over the years since I started seeing folks in the early ‘aughts. Thanks to some brilliant awareness campaigns, …
We’ve been living the coach’s wife life a while, twenty years in fact if you count dating and marriage. So, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me when we were lying in bed a few weeks ago and I heard those familiar, quiet sniffles. It’s always him who starts first and, it’s always over something …
Yes, we are moving Lord, but You are already there, just as You are here. It is such a comfort that we cannot escape the cover of Your love, no matter how far we move.
I, Mr. Coach, promise to:
Recognize that this woman is an actual superhero and treat her as such
When she is sad just hold her, don’t coach her
Make a valiant effort to not wait until the last minute to ask for something
Brag about her to my friends
Get her swag asap, especially at a new school
In a spare moment, keep the kids and send her out on her own
Remember that she is the one who is still there when the lights go out and the career is done
Love on my kids after wins AND losses
Consider that your career moves are her moves too
Find her before talking to the media
Recognize that I am a better coach because she is by my side
Keep at least a three foot radius clear around coach any time he has a whistle. It is in his DNA twirl it repeatedly around his fingers. Extra caution should be taken if he also has his many, many school keys.
The sight that met me inside those doors was one I will never forget—and one I have not stopped loving since. There they were, a sea of men. Old and young, many with excellent beards, all of them wearing football apparel.
You, and me, and thousands of coaches’ wives all over this country are in this together. Knowing we are done where we are, possibly unsure of where we are headed, but all collectively grieving, trying not to worry, and praying.
That said, a healthy sex life can look extremely different for different poeple. We heard from plenty of wives who are multiple-times-a-weekers. But, there are also plenty of couples who are once-a-weekers, once-a-monthers, or sex-less-marriagers (yep, that’s a thing).
“In track, there are all types of runners. There are sprinters. There are middle-distance runners. And, there are long-distance runners. Brother Roger was a middle-distance runner. His job was to do well in the time that he was given. And he did.”
Because they love those kids and they love their jobs, they sometimes get going so fast they can’t keep up―and that’s where the pacesetter becomes valuable. For many families, that pacesetter is you.
It wasn’t that bad early in his career. But, several years ago we went through a couple of tough seasons and were (ahem) “not rehired.” That event took a toll on me I never would have anticipated. Now, I have to be very intentional about managing fear and anxiety during the season – even if the season is going well.
These are stories we hear every year —
Coaches developing chronic panic attacks. Players suffering from depression or anxiety. Coaches becoming physically ill due to mental distress. Coaches and players struggling to navigate online criticism.
And, while sports are certainly minor in comparison to keeping the world safe, the pain we may encounter still matters. It matters very much.
We wanted an intentional way for our boys to process the experiences and emotions of the season rather than “just” having them turn in their equipment and move on to the next thing.
The trouble we get into is thinking that where we “should” sit has anything to do with anything other than you and your family.
Remember that we coach in their sacred spaces. We are coaching the people they have loved, raised, cried, and prayed over long before we got them. For some, we are coaching their validation of self. I’m not making excuses for poor behavior, I’m offering a space for us to gather some empathy for the seemingly extreme reactions.
We cannot let the perfect be the enemy of the done. We cannot sacrifice our sanity by trying to run plays that just don’t work with our current personnel, life stage or needs. So don’t try. Sometimes you just have to wad those things up, toss them away and draw up something new.
I’m not minimizing the stressors of the coaching life. They are real and they can be unique and overwhelming. What I am saying is that pointing at coaching as the blanket scapegoat for everything challenging that happens during the season can put our hearts in a dangerous spot.
But what I am not going to do is shut down my life and let the ride of coaching dictate my emotional state completely. Because that is not good for anyone. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for my kids. And believe it or not, it’s not good for coach.
But what I am not going to do is shut down my life and let the ride of coaching dictate my emotional state completely. Because that is not good for anyone. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for my kids. And believe it or not, it’s not good for coach.
