Note to Readers: This post is part of an ongoing series “Dear Veteran Coach’s Wife” and includes one question from a wife submitted anonymously. There are also several responses from veteran wives which offer encouragement, suggestions, and life examples. We can only write from our own personal experiences, but we’re committed to answering honestly and thoroughly to the best of our abilities.
Question from a Coach’s Wife
Dear Veteran Coach’s Wife,
My husband just got offered a position at his DREAM school. He has talked about this being his ideal situation since we were in college. The issue is it’s several hours from my hometown where I’ve lived my whole life and he’s been for the last 7 years of his. We are heavily involved in our community and our church. Everywhere we go we see people we love.
I love my job and it’s difficult to see how sacrificing moving to a smaller community where the cost of living higher and homes are more expensive is the best decision. While I am so happy for him, I can’t picture leaving our lives.
Feeling discouraged, distraught, and like I am truly grieving.
Answers from Veteran Coaches Wives
Dear Discouraged and Grieving,
I have been where you are. We had a nice house in an even nicer neighborhood. I had gotten a job less than five minutes away teaching a grade with no testing and at a school with major and administration parental support. Both our families were in the area, and I finally felt content-even-happy- in my job. And then my husband got offered his first head baseball position. Four hours away. We honestly knew it was a God thing as He worked out the details seamlessly, but I did cry the entire way home after seeing the tiny town and having four job interviews in one day. But we had a peace about it so we packed up and moved. It wasn’t easy but God allowed it to happen. This was before kids.
When we got there, I was in a job that I did not prefer, I got pregnant right away, four hours from anyone we knew, and he started working seven days a week for the first time as assistant football. It was an awful year, I won’t lie. However, a lot of it was my attitude. I was exhausted, pregnant for the first time, hours from friends and family, and almost an hour from civilization [aka Target or Starbucks]. I became very bitter and resentful. This is probably not encouraging you right now but have faith.
We thought we would be there a year or two but stayed four before the next move. We got plugged into a church that we still miss and made lifelong friendships. We got to live in a wonderful rental house with dreamy views for two of those four years.
It was hard. I cried a lot. But I know God had his hand in it as well. I would pray about it apart and together. Leaving what you know and love is always hard-and yes, a true grieving process. But God walks next to you, and He sends who and what you need when you need it. I will be praying for guidance and clear direction and also that your heart is softened once you get there. If your husband has been waiting on this and God is opening the door, then it will be worth it.
Best of luck,
Been there, done that, and He provided
Dear Feeling discouraged, distraught, and truly grieving,
While I cannot guarantee that every coach’s wife’s journey will be the same, I can offer you the benefit of hindsight from 13 years after going through a similar scenario. When I met and married my coach, I swore that I was never, ever, ever leaving my hometown. I agreed to go wherever the job took us, but spent every second praying and plotting how to make it possible for him to move up in his career while staying put.
I too couldn’t see how me sacrificing everything I’ve ever known and pretty much everybody I’ve ever loved for his dream could be a good decision. But, after all these years and all this time, I can see that I wasn’t doing it for him, not really. It was all for me. I’ve met a lot more people in a few new places that I grew to love, found more communities that I could give my heart and support to, and a completely different job that ignited a fire in me that I had no idea was even possible. I am not the same person I was in my hometown, and it’s 100% for the better.
I’m not saying it was without challenges or heartbreak. There were in fact many, many, many of both. But, if I had the option to make the decision to leave all over again, I would go- hands down, without question (this time, the first time involved a lot of hesitation and questioning.) While I’m not saying that moving is necessarily your answer, I’m just offering a few points to ponder. Is it possible that you might not know what’s best for you? Could it be that you are giving up good for great? Would it be possible for your heart to grow bigger and stronger to include new people, new places, and a different life?
Wishing you all the love and clarity needed to make this difficult decision,
Dear Discouraged and Grieving,
The best things in life often start out scary! Your situation sounds so familiar to me and to so many others. After living away from my family for so many years we finally moved to the same town as my parents with our first baby. And one year later my husband was offered a job he wanted so badly that was 8 hours away. I did not want to pick up and move again that soon. I was so happy with my job and having my parents close by to babysit but eventually, I let my husband drive me across the state to check it out. I went with every intention of seeing everything in person to convince my husband this wasn’t the right move for us. The joke was on me because we both signed letters of intent less than 24 hours later. Then everything quickly fell into place, our house sold in three days and three weeks later we loaded up and made it to our new community. This move has been our best yet, the school district is the best we’ve ever worked in and we have made some amazing friends.
This move showed me that you can’t fight God’s plan or his perfect timing. If your husband is being pulled so strongly towards this opportunity, crack your heart open just a little and see where it leads.
Been There Done That
Dear Feeling Discouraged,
Dang, this is hard. Leaving comfort and family is no small consideration. I’ll share what I’ve learned through our experiences. We were in a great situation when my husband was recruited for a coveted job. Leaving our people was awful, and our experience in the new place was…awful. In fact, we eventually got fired. Sounds like it was the wrong decision, right? Except, when I was moved out of my/our comfort zone, I flourished in ways I never expected. It was as though being uncomfortable in our lives made me braver as a person. In fact, it’s how I ever left my comfy profession and became a writer.
Truly, I have no idea if you should move. Coaches tend to have itchy feet so I would wonder if you don’t take this one if he’ll look for others as time goes on that are less “dreamy”? Regardless, whatever you choose, pray that you choose it together and be all in as a couple leaving or all in as a couple staying. And, that you flourish as a person in your current situation, or in the less desirable one. We’ve had awesome situations and sucky situations and God has sustained us in both. He goes (or stays) wherever we are.
I’ll end with this, a blog post I wrote about (yet another move) loving where we were but also missing the last place. I hope my post Learning to Grow Love Plants blesses you.
Sister Who Has Been Stretched