Infertility can be a very lonely journey, and especially so when your spouse is a coach. There are a lot of appointments on your own, a lot of injecting medicine on your own, a lot hopes and a lot of what ifs, and many many unknowns.
For us, we didn’t come out on the other side with a baby. Even though I had names picked out, I was too afraid to speak them out loud. But they were there, in my heart, waiting. Instead, we jokingly discussed the “kids” as we awaited our test results.
I was so thankful to have my husband walk through this with me. There was no one more perfect for this moment in time. And even more thankful for my faith in God. But I have to say otherwise, I felt utterly alone.
Alone when someone said, “Don’t give up.”
When do I face reality?
Alone when someone said, “We went through the same thing and God finally blessed us.”
Was I not blessed?
Alone when someone prayed over us that they believed God for a child, even when we didn’t.
I guess we had accepted the outcome, but others had not.
Alone when the obvious solution was, “Have you thought about adopting?”
As if this was a soothing response to simply move on to the next thing, while you’re in the middle of this thing.
All that to say, for those of us with unanswered prayers, with my whole heart I believe God is still faithful. And not only that, it is okay to walk fully in the freedom of his will, even if it’s not what we thought it was going to be. And also when it’s not what others thought it would or should be.
My husband told me, “We are not going through this for ourselves; God will use this for us to minister to someone else.”
However, in the midst of it all and especially when you hit the end of the road, I felt invisible. And you may feel invisible, too.
Be sure to feel all the feels. I can’t stress that enough. Feel everything and feel it deeply. It’s only then you can begin to heal.
You may not make it through the get togethers. And others will give you their advice and their story and you will look at them completely dumbfounded as if they heard nothing of what you’ve shared. And then you’ll stop sharing because…well, no one gets it. And you’ll feel completely alone. Even alone in your marriage.
And it’s then that the gentle voice of God lets you know that there are certain depths of the soul that only he can tend to.
There will be moments you will just loose it over….nothing, and excuse yourself to try to keep it together.
Or you’ll stare out the window to just…breathe.
Or you have to look away when you see a pregnant woman or a sweet baby or the baby clothes section at the store.
Or your friend will hand you her new baby to hold and you just … try.
Feel all the feels anyway. You can’t heal or move on to what is next without doing so. And whatever that looks like and how much time it will take, it is okay … in every way. Our Lord may have natural, IVF, adopted children as part of your plan. And … he may not.
No matter what it is, take your heart and soul to him. Completely to him. He can handle it.
Someone who knew this journey as well, hugged me and just held on. And all she said was, “I know.”
So here’s a heart hug from me to you … I know.