Sex & the Coaching Life: 8 Ways to Spice Things Up
It all started with a question.
An anonymous question from a coach’s wife who asked the same question we ask about everything else (i.e. cleaning, taking care of the kids, meals, self-care, etc.). Except she asked it about sex.
“When and how do you have time to be intimate with someone who isn’t there very often?!”
Turns out you gals wanted to talk about this…to the tune of 200+ replies in a single day. So, we decided to write about it.
Let’s start big picture first, before we get to the (many, many) suggestions we received. Intimacy between a couple is vitally important.
That said, a healthy sex life can look extremely different for different poeple. We heard from plenty of wives who are multiple-times-a-weekers. But, there are also plenty of couples who are once-a-weekers, once-a-monthers, or sex-less-marriagers (yep, that’s a thing).
The most important part of a couples’ intimacy is not the frequency but the contentment of the partners.
If you happen to be in a slow “season” (see what we did there) because life is hard/COVID/kids/2020/tired, but you are both cool with it, that works!
But, if someone is discontent with the situation, that’s when it’s time for some conversation and/or some of the lovely “interventions” mentioned below.
Remember, life circumstances, hormones, disabilities, pregnancy, mental health, prostate health, exercise, diet—it all plays in.
“Comparison is the thief of all joy.” Try your best to let each experience of intimacy be what it is. Don’t compare it to earlier in your marriage, pre-kids, the movies, or even last night.
Sex is a beautiful gift, but sometimes it’s Christmas and sometimes it’s just Tuesday. You’ve got a lifetime ahead with this man, so remember that the intimacy in your marriage is a journey just like everything else. Enjoy the “ride.”
Now, with the big picture out of the way, let’s get down what you’ve really been waiting for. What did coaches’ wives have to say about what keeps their sex lives healthy, happy…and happening? Here you go:
Top Tips from Coaches’ Wives for an Awesome Sex Life (in no particular order 😉 )
Oh. My. Word. You girls send your men some things! Make his day with a tempting text or pic but make sure you are sending it to the right person! More than a few wives had included others on accident.
Apparently coaches’ wives do not shower alone. I mean, they do. But, the amount of women who said they shower with their man was impressive. Suds up.
I mean, if coach makes a practice schedule, why not schedule time with his wife? Lots of wives said that setting a regular day/days made it more likely to happen. Several couples also track the frequency of sex and arguments. When one goes up, the other tends to go down. Hmmm…
I mean, the BACKWARDS hat. And the headset. And the khakis. This does it for us. If the steam coming off the screen when you girls talked about how he looks on the field isn’t evidence that God designed a coach’s wife, I don’t know what is. Get that man more hats.
There’s a great book by Kevin Leman called “Sheet Music.” In this book, he teaches “sex starts in the kitchen.” You all echoed this idea that starting your day with flirting and giving little hints throughout the day got everyone ready by bedtime. Initiate and lean in. Very often our bodies will start to respond if we just starting heading in the right direction.
Code Words and Door Hooks
When direct conversation isn’t possible, use a word that both of you recognize or leave “nighttime attire” suggestions hanging on the bathroom hook. A little covert communication never hurts.
So, when coach doesn’t often come home until the wee hours of the morning, what’s a couple to do? Apparently, do the mornings. Pre-dawn hookups were consistently mentioned, along with sleeping sans clothes so the skin-to-skin could heat things up even faster.
It’s COVID and it’s football season, so there’s not much opportunity for a date night out. No worries. Several spoke up saying that at home date nights with the kids at the grandparents (or absorbed in a show in the living room) was the way to get away together. Putting those same kids to bed early also gives a little window of time before everyone crashes from exhaustion, and we hear you sleep better too.
Well, there you have it. Straight from the mouths of the women who have made it through this crazy life with the men they love, conceived plenty of babies, and made it still getting that tickle in the tummy when he passes by.
Happy coach, happy coach’s wife, happy sex life. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on October 21, 2020, and has been updated in February 2021 for freshness, accuracy, and completeness
Anne is an author, speaker, professional counselor, marriage and family therapist and veteran coaches wife. She and her husband Tim have two children and they have been a coaching family through a state championship run and very difficult losing seasons. They are passionate about encouraging coaching families both in and out of season.