Journal

Weird Stuff Coaches Do, According to Their Wives

A few weeks ago I asked the wives in the FNW Facebook group the quirky stuff their coaches do and boy, did they deliver!

These men are so fantastically driven, competitive, and have it all together on the field ― but off? Oh my. They are just about as adorably quirky as you can get. And (usually) we love them even more for it.

With all the hard and serious things going on right now, how ’bout we laugh a little. So, let’s pull back the curtain and take an insider peek at the native routines and habits of “Coach.”

Physical Behavior

  • Clink, clank, clink, clank. Keep at least a three foot radius clear around coach any time he has a whistle. It is in his DNA twirl it repeatedly around his fingers. Extra caution should be taken if he also has his many, many school keys.
  • He often has difficulty standing appropriately for pictures. Your legs should not be that far apart. Your hands should not be in your back pockets. You should not be crossing your arms on your belly. Coach stance is not for date night or holiday photos with your children.
  • Many coaches grow a playoff beard or hideous mustache, even if he can’t really grow a beard or hideous mustache. And then if we make it to the championship all the pictures have all hair.

Sleeping Problems

  • Coaches do not “turn off” well. One poor wife took it in the shins her first night married. Her former o-lineman was doing his “quick step” in his sleep!
  • They call out plays as they snooze. They may also congratulate you and pat you on the back.
  • Wrestling wives are in extra peril, occasionally getting a (non-romantic) “move” put on them in the dead of night.
  • They fall asleep in the most bizarre places. Like in the middle of the living room floor. Or watching HUDL. Or in the locker room.

Clothing Issues

  • “Is this school polo cool for date night?”
  • “Please don’t hang my coaching clothes on (insert rival school color) hangers.”
  • “Do you know where my coaching shirt is? No, not that one. The other one. No. Not that one. The other one.” (This conversation continues until the end of time because they have SO. MANY. CLOTHES.)

Housework

  • Coaching wives clean clothes, dishes, and floors like other wives. Except those wives’ floors aren’t covered in turf pellets and their dryers and counters aren’t covered with old practice plans. Why? Why the practice plans everywhere?!
  • Any flat surface in the home is subject to drawing plays. Napkins, shower steam, dresser dust, M&M’s or sugar packets on the table.
  • Many coaches have the uncanny ability to show up with uniforms juuuuust as you’ve finished all the other laundry.

Family Life

  • Toddlers are revered for their “perfect squat form.”
  • Passing another human is an opportunity to “make a move” or “side step a tackle.”
  • Considers “ready, ready, BREAK” an appropriate way to manage family meetings.
  • Calls his own children by their last name.
  • Loves to show us stuff on HUDL. And pause the game on television to show us a play. And rewind. And rewind. And rewind.

“Stealing”

  • I want my Tupperware back.
  • And my hangers.
  • And my coffee mugs.

Social Conduct

  • “Coach volume” often does not remain on the field/court. It follows us into restaurants, Walmart, and the confines of our car. We love to listen to our coaches and everybody else doesn’t have a choice!
  • One coach can enter a room of coaches, say, “Hey Coach!” and they know exactly who he is talking to. It’s like a super power.
  • Doesn’t eat before games. Doesn’t speak before games. Or pukes before games.
  • Always. On. The. Phone. Wearing paths up and down the hall, back and forth across the living room, the bedroom, or doing laps around the yard.

Marriage

  • Wants to make more babies during good seasons.
  • Calls his wife “Coach” (sometimes he notices, sometimes he doesn’t).
  • Gets married during dead/moratorium week.
  • Gets a kick out of the players calling you Mrs. Coach

This is quite the life we have here girls, and quite the men to go along with it. For all their quirks and idiosyncrasies we wouldn’t give up them, or this life.

You are uniquely designed to be in this funny little world with these funny little routines and you, my dear sister, are his safe spot in the middle of it all. Enjoy the giggles, tolerate the occasional frustration, and do your best to embrace this strange, beautiful life. For it is the one you were given.

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