When a Coach Gets Married, Here are What the Vows SHOULD Be

When a Coach Gets Married, Here are What the Vows SHOULD Be

“Friends and family, we are gathered here during this one free week of the year to unite this coach and his bride. We appreciate you all giving up any plans you may have had because this man is only available to get married today or on Christmas.
We also appreciate his assistant coaches taking off their hats for the ceremony. You will be allowed to wear them during the reception while eating a cake that looks like a football field.

Now to the vows that no one human woman can possibly fulfill.”

I, Mrs. Coach, promise to:

  • Pray for you and your players
  • Support you win or lose
  • Keep my mouth shut at games, but my side-eye strong (back me up if I fail)
  • Feed you as long as you get home before 9:00 pm
  • Help you find your polo at 4:00 am
  • Clean all the gross things you bring home
  • Listen to your advice and occasionally take it
  • Proofread your e-mails and social media posts
  • Bring what you forgot
  • Be your number one fan
  • Feed your children (cereal or from the concession stand)
  • Wash your lucky shirt at the last minute
  • Teach our children about this mission
  • Hang dry those precious uniforms
  • Wear the new team’s colors even if I don’t like them
  • Pretend I’m interested as long as I get nachos
  • Sit in the stands in wind, rain, sleet, and snow
  • Endure turf pellets in my house, dryer, and bed
  • Not harm you when you leave yet another ink pen in your pocket
  • Not throw the 25 hangers and piles of Tupperware at you that you brought home from the fieldhouse
  • To arrive at the game at some point before it ends
  • To love you and this wild and crazy life
...until retirement and beyond, so help me God.

I, Mr. Coach, promise to:

  • Recognize that this woman is an actual superhero and treat her as such
  • When she is sad just hold her, don’t coach her
  • Make a valiant effort to not wait until the last minute to ask for something
  • Brag about her to my friends
  • Get her swag asap, especially at a new school
  • In a spare moment, keep the kids and send her out on her own
  • Remember that she is the one who is still there when the lights go out and the career is done
  • Love on my kids after wins AND losses
  • Consider that your career moves are her moves too
  • Find her before talking to the media
  • Recognize that I am a better coach because she is by my side
...until retirement and beyond, so help me God.
“We will now exchange rings.” (precious metal for her, silicone for him)
“You may kiss your superhero.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the very first time, Mr. & Mrs. Coach. Following the reception, they will be off to impact the lives of thousands of young people. Let’s wish them well.”
“A coach will impact more people in one year than the average person will in an entire lifetime.” ~ Billy Graham
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