Our spouses obsess over their team's culture, and for good reason: winning, however you define the word, depends on culture.
I love seeing a team win. I love helping them win. And, in 15 years of marriage, I've never needed to step into the field house to impact the team. As a partner in my marriage, I step into my leadership in a way only I can: I steward a winning culture at home.
I am an executive coach with Novus Global, where we work with leaders and teams as they go beyond high performance and create results beyond their wildest dreams. My colleagues and I see this daily: learning to create a strong home culture enhances a leader's ability to create culture everywhere. Home is the front line of leadership.
TL/DR: Want your spouse to create a winning culture for their team? Start by winning at home, together. No one ever got a winning culture by wishing for it. Culture is shaped intentionally.
Here's the game plan:
Create a shared vision- Not a vague, status-quo goal like "we want to be happy," but something that actually energizes your family. Last fall, we knew our team could be looking at a long football postseason. I was nervous about the potential consequences for our family, so we set a vision that felt impossible: for each relationship in the family to be stronger on December 31 than it was on August 1. We made a plan (which included lots of one-on-one ice cream dates), continually recalibrated our attitudes, and stayed committed to the vision.
Prioritize trust as if winning depends on it, because it does- Prioritize trust as if your family depends on it…because it does. How many times have we watched a team without trust break under the pressure of the season? Without trust, a team will cannibalize itself. The most fundamental way we can build trust in our families is by creating agreements rather than operating out of expectations. One day, I decided that it was my husband's turn to pick up the household clutter. No matter how logical my internal dialog was, it was foolish of me to think he could magically guess what I was thinking. I was doomed for disappointment.
The simple fix: notice the expectation and turn it into an external agreement. All I needed to say was, "The living room feels messy. Can you run point on getting it cleaned up today?" Suddenly, the conversation was between us. By negotiating the agreement, we created a system that had the capability of building trust.
Use clear communication to build a culture of kindness- Many families build a culture of niceness, where everyone is mostly polite, and conflict is avoided like the plague. Others build a culture of aggression, where strength and dominance are rewarded. Neither of those cultures is a winning culture. Cultures of kindness don't avoid or relish conflict; they move through it for the sake of trust and growth.
Let's say that my husband did agree to make sure the living room was cleaned up, but the next morning, it was still a mess. My immediate reaction? Disappointment and resentment. In this scenario, there are choices: I could let my emotions be loud and aggressive, or I could be nice and pretend that his broken commitment didn't impact me (and let my trust in him deteriorate), or I could be kind. How? By being honest with him about the impact his broken commitment had on me so we could work through it together.
Finally, love growth more than comfort- We are here to grow: you, me, all of us. Stepping out of the comfort zone moves our families forward. Those ice cream dates I mentioned earlier? Honestly, the one-on-one conversation was a little awkward at first. It was tempting to skip the discomfort and bring the whole family the next time, but we knew that immediate comfort would delay the long-term result we were looking for.
Instead, we got excited about the discomfort (solving this would help unlock the vision!) so we could solve for it (which led to the idea of bringing a deck of cards the next time). Several signs of "it's working!" came throughout the fall, the sweetest of which was on the night before the state championship game, when our least likely child curled up next to her dad on the couch just to be with him.
In August, it was impossible. In December, it was reality.
Creating a winning culture doesn't come cheap or easy, but the payoff? Exponential. Develop a depth of leadership that can succeed anywhere. Start with vision. You can go further than you ever believed.