I found myself being angry at my past self as I scraped off the wall decals she decided to put up instead of holes in the walls for picture frames. In her defense, she was trying to save me time, just in case.
Once the season begins, I usually spend much of my free time trying to help future me out. I declutter this area. I fix up that room. I depersonalize this wall. And I prepare my heart for that call to come.
And I do it so that future me has fewer things to worry about.
I've done this every season for 19 years, and only two of them did I have real reason to believe it wasn't in vain. One season, we were literally warned by the Athletic Director that it was probably our last. And five years ago, we had been at our school for too long (in a good way) and I could feel our time was running out.
While doing these things wasn't wrong or bad, it was where my heart was in the process that truly wasn't helpful to future me. I was doing it to keep my heart from becoming too invested. I was spending time alone in the name of home improvement, so I didn't become too connected in the community.
This past season, our 20th, I didn't do any of that. Instead, I focused my time, energy, and attention on the people and places that we love—our church, our kids' school, and our program.
This is the longest we've lived in a house. We are coming up on five years. I know that seems like a lifetime to most coaches' wives. It's something I've always longed for.
And my coach just signed a contract for another 5 years here, so present me isn't taking off the wall stickers because I have to. I am removing them because my middle wants to redo her room. That is something we've never really had to worry about before because we've never stayed somewhere long enough to necessitate a need for a makeover.
But I've unexpectedly found myself getting antsy, and I had to stop myself from regretting not doing things to help future me out, even though I know that they didn't ever truly help. When there are a million things to do to make a move happen, what's ten more? And I can guarantee a swift exit or a quick sale wouldn't have been slowed had I not done things so drastically ahead of time.
However, present me has accumulated too much stuff because I haven't been forced to purge for a move. We have too many friends who want to spend time with us because we've been able to get deep into the community in many ways over the years.
What future me always wanted has become overwhelming for present me to manage, because I never learned how to deal with the metaphorical decluttering of relationships and activities.
Looking back, I should not have hid behind my to-do list for all those seasons. What would have honestly helped future me would have been to grow and stretch my heart slowly so that it became big enough to fit all the people and places we would encounter on this journey. I should have allowed my heart to break when we found out we'd be leaving instead of protecting it with bubble wrap, packing tape and boxes. In the healing afterward, my heart would have become stronger and stronger, and not as easily affected by heartache.
As we start our 21st season, I know what this future me would say to that past me (besides the fact that it is much easier to patch one hole than peel off an intricate wall decal.) I would tell her that the best way to help me in the future would be to focus on the present. Be where your feet are, and don't worry (too much) about what is up ahead.
Because this future me now knows, it is the relationships made and the lessons learned in the present that make the future better, easier, and brighter.