I heard a pastor say something that made me think of this community. He was speaking in terms of our testimony, but it’s extremely applicable to us in general.
He said, “After I shared my story, I gave him a gift, and it was the gift of going second. And as you go first, you give somebody else the gift of coming out of the darkness, where they've been struggling on their own to confess something, to share something, to grieve, to wrestle, to learn, to grow.”
This has been my singular goal in writing for this community: I want to give you that gift- the gift of going second.
I’ve been a coach’s significant other since I was 19 years old. I have literally spent my entire adult life in this industry. We are starting our 22nd season, so you can imagine that there isn’t much we haven’t experienced.
It hasn’t been easy. I spent the majority of the first decade hating this lifestyle. I wanted to be with my husband, so that meant I HAD to be a coach’s wife, but back then, I didn’t feel like that meant I had to like it.
Eventually, I realized that I did actually have to like it, too, if I wanted to thrive rather than just survive. So here are some of the most important things I’ve learned from all the years and tears. It’s my gift to you…
1) Over-communicate: It is better to say too much and have to repeat yourself many times than believe he should understand and let resentment grow. This becomes more important the longer you’re in this lifestyle. The higher the promotion, the more stress he will feel, which means he will most likely forget all the lessons you have taught him. And the more you learn to handle, the more he will think you can handle.
2) It’s more like a compromise than sacrificing: Please don’t think about it in terms of you giving up your dreams or not being allowed to have your own because of his job. Yes, it is very true that you will have to sacrifice, and maybe even set aside your goals and aspirations for a while. But for any relationship to succeed, you have to compromise. It just so happens that if you’re a coach’s wife, you have to give a little more than he does. But it will have to go both ways for you both to have a healthy relationship. He might have to say no to an opportunity because it’s not in the family's best interest. You might have to wait to reach a certain level of responsibility at work because waiting means greater stability for the family.
But you both have to approach each opportunity, each season, each fork in the road with an open mind to evaluate it fairly.
3) Focus on the now, but trust the journey: If there is one thing I can promise you, it’s that God is weaving an intricate tapestry with your journey. But you can only see it from the backside.
We spent 15 years living year to year, playing the game of moving when we didn’t want to or didn’t expect it. When you’re in it, you can only see and try to understand what’s happening right in front of you. You could never imagine how going to this school, meeting that person, interviewing here, and being rejected from there is all a part of a grand design.
It’s getting you to where you’re meant to be and molding you into the person you were created to be.
I know it’s cliché and not helpful in the moment. But trust me, it is 100% true. So let that give you enough peace and trust in the moment to focus on the next thing. Don’t worry about 10 steps from now. That’s covered. And God will give you what you need only then, not any earlier.
4) Don’t just see the hard parts: The good news is that this life isn’t just about struggling. There are so many extremely beautiful parts that you only get if you’re a coach’s significant other. I can’t even begin to try to argue that they outweigh the difficulties, but they can offset them just enough to keep going, to see the purpose beyond the pain.
I can admit that another coach’s wife, very early on in our journey, tried to give me this gift of going second. She could never have predicted the specific path we would take, but she had plenty of years and experience to know what we would encounter in general. And I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to hear it. That was her story, but it didn’t mean it was going to be mine.
And now, here I am all these years later, begging you not to be like younger me. A gift is only good to the recipient if it’s actually received. A gift is only helpful if the receiver uses it.
So please, don’t struggle alone. Take my gift and go second with a little bit more peace.
**This space is about supporting the women behind the sidelines. We’ve created a few favorite wear-on-repeat pieces inspired by this life, just in case you want to check them out!**