We just celebrated 17 years of marriage. And even though we had 4 years before that where we navigated the coaching lifestyle, I didn't know what I was signing up for. You couldn't tell me that back then, though. I had an overly confident sense of what we were walking into, and it wasn't all that positive.
But I also knew who I was marrying, and in all honesty, he's who I had the most confidence in.
Our first dance was to "Home" by Michael Bublé. We were just getting started in this life, so most of the guests probably didn't understand why that was our song.
"Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome,
But I wanna go home.
May be surrounded by
A million people, I
Still feel all alone.
I just wanna go home.
Oh, I miss you, you know."
While the coaching world didn't take him to Paris or Rome, it did take him away —sometimes too far and always too often. If I were to join him, it would come at a great cost to me, financially, mentally, and emotionally. The larger our family got over the years, the harder it was to be by his side.
Instead, I was left behind.
Our wedding song continues by stating…
"And I know just why you could not
Come along with me.
That this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me."
Even though the song was from his perspective, it was exactly how I felt. While he was out there chasing his dream, I was left behind to pick up the pieces of our life and try my hardest to hold them together.
It was exhausting.
It wasn't until we had our first two kids and he was willing to entertain the idea of hanging up his dreams for the sake of a more stable family life that I realized that coaching wasn't his only dream. He didn't just want to chase titles, trophies, and championships.
He dreamed of being a good father and husband. And it was in that dream of his where I found myself walking side by side, and quite literally carrying him for most of it.
After that, I readjusted my focus. It was too much to see them as one big dream. They are really two dreams that needed to be balanced.
It wasn't possible to help with 100% of both. There were times, especially in the early days of growing our family, when the split had to be 80% family and 20% coaching. But, as the kids grew, the percentage shifted a little more and more. It became easier to be present for more team activities without it costing my sanity at home.
Two days after our 17th anniversary, we said goodbye to him for 15 days so he could go almost as far across the globe as possible (farther than Paris or Rome) to chase a coaching dream so big I don't think he ever really dared to entertain it. Actually, I know he didn't, because he initially said no. It would cost him significantly in his other dream.
As we walked through this latest big dream becoming reality, it was 95% sacrifice at home and only 5% being able to share in it with him. At the end, when he didn't get as far in the dream as he had wanted, he apologized for forcing us to sacrifice so much only to not achieve the best outcome possible. (He had overlooked the fact that I basically told him he couldn't say no to reaching for this dream.)
I had to remind him, and myself, that I didn't make up for his lack in the family dream for the wins, the trophies, or the gold medals of his coaching dream. I sacrificed so that he could influence and impact not just our little family, but anyone who was open to receiving it. And he was able to do that in a big way through his coaching dream.
Because I switched which dream I focused on 12 years ago, I stopped wasting my energy pushing back, resenting my situation, and expecting to be doing something different. I was able to be fully present for those parts of his coaching dream I was able to be by his side for, and a much better version of myself for the family dream.
Did that make it any easier? I wish I could tell you yes. I still had tears to wipe (both the kids' and mine) and all of our real-life chaos to manage.
I realized that what got me through those early years was my unwavering belief in him. And now, with time and experience, I finally believed in myself as well.
So, wherever you are in balancing the percentage of two dreams, focus on how much you believe in your coach. And if you don't believe in yourself like I didn't early on, just know that I believe in you. And with 22 years of experience, you can't argue with me!
Lean into that belief. Diving deeper into our online community at Friday Night Wives will help you do that. Because it's that belief that makes all the difference in not just surviving, but thriving, until the percentages are in a more manageable balance.