You Are Not Your Husband

You Are Not Your Husband

We have all been there.  We have heard the complaints from the stands.  We have read the negative comments on the school’s social media page (Pro tip: keep scrolling).  And last but not least, we hear it from our husbands. 

Like the time the new head coach deciding to meet on Sundays…during church *facepalm*.  Or when the commute means he leaves before the kids wake up and doesn't get home until after they go to bed. When we run into these situations over and over again it's easy to want to give in to the impulse to push back, set someone straight, give the head coach a piece of your mind, or apply (on behalf of your husband) to a school with a shorter commute. 

Especially as the season drags on and we face exhausting it's easy to convince ourselves we know what's best.

But guess what?  You are not your husband. Period.

But you are his wife hunny boo thang and what you do in these moments and spaces has the potential to make his professional (and personal) life better…or worse. 

So instead of leaning into the instinct to try to “fix it,” consider these steps instead:

  1. Find other coaches' wives (anonymously if needed) and ask if the situation you're facing is a normal part of the coach wife life. Sometimes misery loves company. Can I get an amen?  Oftentimes experience breeds wisdom and perspective that you can benefit from. (Friday Night Wives Behind the Lines Facebook group is a great place for this!) But don’t stop there.  Ask your coach how you can help.  Maybe he only needs you as a sounding board.  Maybe he needs you to be his personal hype man.  True confession: I am horrible at this, but I keep trying because it’s his jam.
  2. Let it go. Is it only bothering you and not your coach?  Let it go. *Insert Elsa singalong shower-worthy solo* This may mean to literally let it go. Sit in a different place even if it’s your lucky spot with the good breeze and the perfect view. Leave the school Facebook page and don’t look back. Unfriend or unfollow that group and find a drama-free source for school updates. Letting it go might also mean you need to spend some extra time in prayer, meditate it away or get in some good old-fashioned couple’s cardio (wink wink) to help it all disappear.
  3. Communicate your needs. If the commute or long hours or anything else is impairing your ability to thrive you need to talk about it. You are an important piece of this family too. If you aren’t thriving, tell the man!  Men don’t read minds.  And whatever limited ability they do have disappears when their entire being is consumed by in season *stuff*.  I mean all the film and plays take up a lot of room!  Am I right?! Side Note: when your husband does come up with a solution, don’t shoot the man down! See next step.
  4. Respect your man. Yes, he is a coach, but he’s your man first. He can put up with a lot of disrespect from all those places and spaces if he knows he has your respect. You may communicate with him strategies to push back in appropriate ways, but only if it’s helpful.  It’s his workplace, his boss, and his co-workers.  That fact, above all else, needs to be respected.

So, ladies, repeat after me.  I am not my husband.  Compliment him.  Support him.  Love him. But please, don’t ever try to replace him.
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