QUESTION FROM A COACH’S WIFE
Dear Veteran Coach's Wife,
How do you handle your husband’s career and moves always being above your own career goals? How do you not lose yourself once adding kids in the mix who will rely heavily on you more than him with how much he’s gone?
Signed,
Loving My Career
Answers from Veteran Coaches Wives
Dear Loving My Career,
This is the age-old dilemma for all of us coach’s wives. I was fortunate enough to know before I figured out my career that I would be marrying a coach, so I picked one that was needed everywhere. But even that didn’t make taking a back seat to moves and his career path easy. I’ve seen enough wives not let their coach’s career get in the way of theirs to know it is very possible. But it was a LOT of work and stress for them. When kids came into the picture, I realized just how true the saying “it takes a village” is. You won’t be able to do it all yourself and you won’t be able to rely on coach most of the time.
I thought becoming a stay-at-home mom would ease the burden a little by at least taking job demands and responsibilities out of the equation, but it only increased the "loss of self" aspect I was wrestling with. The truth is there isn't one answer. It depends on each wife, each coach, each job, and even each stage of life. It’s a constant re-evaluation of your family's priorities. You will need to decide on what can wait. For us, it's a constant juggle to make those pieces fit. It’s realizing that there’s no such thing as balance, but instead, it is a sliding scale. When the kids are little, it might have to slide more towards home for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s fixed there. Find your people, and if you can’t find them for free, a reliable babysitter will be worth every penny. Figure out what you want and who you want to be, and be flexible and willing enough to make it work.
Jess Gilardi
Dear Loving My Career,
Dang, this is such a hard part of being a coach’s wife. I think one of the most important things for us was to establish that we both wanted to support one another’s career goals, but that they were going to come at different times. Coaching careers are such a “ladder” and frequently involve moves. My career development, on the other hand, came in fits and spurts between what he was up to. It seems like his career was taking “precedence” but, in all honesty, mine was more flexible than his. I could pick mine up and figure it out wherever we went, he only had so many job choices.
He has absolutely sacrificed too by staying places longer than he wanted, letting me take a lower salary/no salary to return to school, etc. We did make a goal to knock out as much schooling as we could before kids came and that was a great blessing. I don’t feel left behind now, but it took me longer to get here than if I were single or married to a banker who stayed in the same town all his life. But, I don’t think I’ll give him up :-)
Signed,
I feel your struggle
Dear Loving My Career,
When my husband and I married close to twenty years ago the career I currently have didn't exist. Regardless, if I had to write a job description from scratch and make up a job for myself I don't think I could think of anything more perfect for my skills, gifts, and interests than what I do on a daily basis. The best part is that I work from home and most days I even set my own schedule. But you know what? It took a lot of starts and stops before I found this career path. Every time I started a new job I was positive I'd found "my perfect fit" for a career. I finally realized that I needed to stop trying to force things to fit for everyone else and remember that God knew where he was moving our family and he knew my gifts, strengths, and desires.
The reality is that there are plenty of families that wrestle with balancing family and career that aren't involved with coaching. There are many decisions to make regarding budgets, what is best for your kids at each stage of life, and what is best for you and your husband mentally, physically, and emotionally. Running around juggling a career and family is exhausting even without coaching!
Marriage is a partnership. We thrive when we both have the opportunity to pursue our passions, use our gifts, talents, and strengths. That doesn't mean we will always use them in the same way at the same time. I encourage you to take life one stage at a time and look for out-of-the-box opportunities. It's amazing how many people can job share or work remotely if they ask. Even professors, doctors, and counselors can work remotely these days. Don't assume you can't do something forever even if you have to set something aside for a little while it doesn't mean you can't keep your skills sharp for the future!
Cheering you on!
Beth Walker